Loneliness is detrimental to humans.
When our forefathers and mothers were hunter-gathers, they would only survive when they stayed in the group. Being thrown out of the group was a death sentence for our ancestor’s times.
If evolution has thought us one thing, it is that just like bees we thrive in the
hive.
Having a strong attachment to others can lead to a long happy life.
Our need for an attachment with others starts when we are infants, but what affects our ability to form meaningful, satisfying relationships with those around us? We now know that a child’s early experiences with their parents have a profound impact on their relationship skills as adults.
The psychological theory of attachment was first described by John Bowlby, a psychoanalyst who researched the effects of separation between infants and their parents (Fraley, 2010).
Bowlby hypothesized that the extreme behaviours infants engage in to avoid separation from a parent or when reconnecting with a physically separated parent—like crying, screaming, and clinging—were evolutionary mechanisms. Bowlby thought these behaviours had possibly been reinforced through natural selection and enhanced the child’s chances of survival.
These attachment behaviours are instinctive responses to the perceived threat of losing the survival advantages that accompany being cared for. While being attended to by the primary caregiver(s). Since the infants who engaged in these behaviours were more likely to survive. Their instincts were naturally selected and reinforced over generations.
These behaviours make up what Bowlby termed an “attachment behavioural system,” the system that guides us in our patterns and habits of forming and maintaining relationships (Fraley, 2010).
Research on Bowlby’s theory of attachment showed that infants placed in an unfamiliar situation and separated from their parents will generally react in one of three ways upon reunion with the parents:
Secure attachment: The infants showed distress upon separation but sought comfort and were easily comforted when the parents returned;
Anxious-resistant attachment: A smaller portion of infants experienced greater levels of distress and, upon reuniting with the parents, seemed both to seek comfort and to attempt to “punish” the parents for leaving.
Avoidant attachment: Infants in the third category showed no stress or minimal stress upon separation from their parents and either ignored the parents upon reuniting or actively avoided the parents
The Harlow Experiments
The attachment theory Harlow experiments in the 1950s. Harry Harlow was conducting experiments on love and relationships between parents and children, specifically monkey parents and children.
His work showed that motherly love was emotional rather than physiological. The capacity for attachment is heavily dependent upon experiences in early childhood. This capacity was unlikely to change much after it was “set” (Herman) 2012
Harlow discovered these interesting findings by conducting two groundbreaking experiments.
In the first experiment, Harlow separated infant monkeys from their mothers a few hours after birth. Each monkey was instead raised by two inanimate surrogate “mothers.” Both provided the infant monkeys with the milk they needed to survive. Although one was made out of wire mesh while the other was wire mesh covered with soft terry cloth.
The monkeys who were given the freedom to choose which mother to associate with almost always chose to take milk from the terry cloth “mother.” This finding showed that infant attachment is not simply a matter of where they get their milk. Many other factors are at play.
For his second experiment, Harlow modified his original setup. The monkeys were given either the bare wire mesh surrogate mother or the terry cloth mother. Both of which provided the milk with the monkeys needed to grow.
Both groups of monkeys survived and thrived physically, but they displayed extremely different behavioural tendencies. Those with a terry cloth mother returned to the surrogate when presented with strange, loud objects, while those with a wire mesh mother would throw themselves to the floor, clutching themselves, rock back and forth, or even “scream in terror.”
This provided a clear indication that emotional attachment in infancy, gained through cuddling, affected the monkey’s later responses to stress and emotion regulation (Herman, 2012).
These two experiments laid the foundations for further work on attachment in children and the impacts of loneliness and attachment experiences in later life.
Social media and loneliness
Social media also has a big impact on loneliness because of its complete lack of physical attachment when communicating, particularly in early adulthood. People share and post what they want us to see and we can end up comparing ourselves to others. The pandemic has had an impact on loneliness. Spending less time with friends and family, self-isolation and shielding are all contributory factors to feeling lonely. If we struggle with technology this too may play a part.
We can be on our phones surrounded by other people and still feel alone, due to a lack of physical attachment to the ones we hold dear. Loneliness can creep into even our most connected, important relationships.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and loneliness
So how do we change things? In CBT we look at four domains: the individual, their relationships, social relations and the community. In terms of strategies, behavioural activation is key with a focus on increasing the amount of social interaction, social contact and social networks. We can explore values and once we have identified these set goals to
help meet where the person wants to be in their values. We can introduce and identify unhelpful thought patterns and beliefs, and learn techniques to restructure these. We can learn strategies to reduce rumination and use behavioural experiments to make changes and gather information. Like finding out what happens if you do disclose and share with others. Additionally whilst engaging in behavioural activation we can practise exposure
whilst reducing safety behaviours.
Having an attachment to others is one of our key drives, just like thirst and hunger. We have a natural predilection towards being in the presence of others and are typically much more content when others are around. When we go through periods of isolation, as many have had during COVID lockdowns, we experience a feeling of withdrawal.
Symptoms of loneliness
Loneliness is on the rise. You are not alone if you are feeling lonely. Do however seek help as it can cause a lot of anxiety and stress. Worst cases of prolonged periods can have serious adverse effects, including heart disease, stroke, depression, and premature death.